Every office has at least one “funny” guy who always tries to brighten everyone’s Monday with material he’s been working on all weekend. The one who quotes jokes verbatim from actual comedians and tries to pass it off as his own (when you encounter this specific situation, you should let this person get all the way through his little stolen set and then say, “That’s funny. That was from Brian Regan’s comedy special right? I saw that on Youtube about a year ago.” If you look closely you can actually see the sparkle of life in his eyes snuffed out.)
The problem with this dude isn’t just that he exists, but that other people in the office tolerate him. Some even encourage him, and still others begin to emulate him. And given how much the daily grind already sucks, having to step into an office teeming with unreasonably cheerful, anti-hilarious people telling jokes that make the comedy gods stop believing in themselves just makes the work week absolutely intolerable.
So in the interest of saving the sanity of those suffering through the jokes, and saving the dignity of those telling them, I’m providing four examples of mega-lame attempts at humor commonly found in office buildings around America. If you hear someone making these jokes, you hereby have permission to punch them in the face, and if you’re one of the people who likes telling these jokes, you hereby have permission to go to hell…
4. Any References to Office Space
This movie came out in 1999. It’s almost ten years old, all right? Ten years. You know how many Bill Lumbergh impressions I’ve seen before yours? Do you?! HUH!!? SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!
….*ahem*…. My bad. It’s just, you can only listen to so many impersonations of, ”Yyyyyeah, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday,” before you start daydreaming about uppercutting people’s heads off. If you Youtube “Bill Lumbergh” there are roughly 500 “Look at Me! I’m Bill Lumbergh!” videos posted that are all different and yet – paradox of paradoxes – are all exactly the same. Hold your coffee, drag out the “yeah,” and finish off every other sentence with “Great.” That’s it. Give me 10 minutes and I can train a decapitated monkey to do a Lumbergh impression that is at least equal to yours. Let it go.
I’m also issuing a moratorium on any references to “TPS Reports” and any jokes about “That’s my stapler.” “Didn’t you get the memo” gets a free pass because it was referenced in Batman Begins, meaning it can never be uncool, but don’t overdo it…
3. ”Back Already?” Jokes…
This happens when you’ve left the office for the day, but then realize you’ve forgotten something back at your desk, so you go back to get it. That’s when the dude sitting in the cubicle next to yours says something along the lines of, “Already back huh? Just can’t stay away from the office, can you? I wish I had your work ethic. Then again I don’t. Eh? Eh? ‘Cause then I wouldn’t have a life outside of work. Which is what I’m implying is the case for you. Ha!”
“Yeah, you know what’s not funny about that? I was already in the parking lot when I realized that I’d left my cell phone up here, so I had to come all the way back up to the 5th floor to get it, and I’m already irritated because of that. So while I casually contemplate the pros and cons of bludgeoning you to death with a Nokia, it might be wise of you to shut the hell up.”
2. “Did You Bring Enough For Everyone?” Jokes
You’re liable to face this anytime you bring name-brand food into the office. Breakfast, lunch, snack, it doesn’t matter. You’re subject to hear any of the following:
“Did you bring enough for everyone?”
“What’d you bring me?”
“How did you know I was hungry? Thanks!”
“Smells good. You better be careful, ha ha ha ha!”
Did you just threaten to steal my lunch? The lunch that I paid for, that I’m trying to eat in peace, that I only brought back to the office because I’m overloaded with work and can’t afford to spend an hour unchained from my desk? How is that humorous? Why would that amuse you? See, THIS sort of thing is why you’re fat. You eat so frequently that food is just a joke to you, the way $1 bills are a joke to rich people. If you stepped away from a meal or two you’d better appreciate how precious a man’s lunch is to him and wouldn’t be making jokes about yoinking it from him.
(Okay, that was unfair. Fat people aren’t the only ones who make this joke – but if you say the above to a skinny person it’ll really screw with their head. Btw, I’m not at all a weight-ist person. Some of my best friends are fat. I’ve dated fat girls. I’m not weight-ist.)
1. “See You Next Year…”
Every time I start a new job I warn everyone within the 1st week that, come December 31st, I better not hear this shit. Co-workers, Supervisors, Upper Management, CEO, anyone who I might see on New Year’s Eve gets the word. I explicitly state that I cannot be held accountable for my actions if someone heedlessly utters “See you next year!” within earshot of me on New Year’s Eve. I can only speculate, but I believe that the issuance of this and attention paid to it has averted several of tragedies. However, if you wake up one New Year’s morning and see an indescribably gruesome photo splashed on the front page of USA Today below the Headline, “Texas Man Literally Bites Coworker’s Head Off,” you’ll have a pretty good idea of why it happened.
Some people need to have it explained to them that just because it’s cute when their 5-year-old says it, that doesn’t mean it’s cute when an adult says it. After all, little kids have patently horrible senses of humor. When I was 8-years-old I saw the commercials for Leonard Part 6 and thought it looked promising. I asked my mom to take me to see it and she grounded me for a month then told me to never speak of it again. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank her for that.
I actually think a lot of lousy office humor can be traced back to childhood. Today’s 10-year-old whose parents let him see Meet the Spartans is tomorrow’s toolbag who thinks any random movie quote is inherently funny, especially if you say it 5 times an hour, every hour all the live-long gotdamn day.
Or maybe it isn’t the parents’ fault. Maybe that dude was just destined to be an insufferable twit whose presence alone is enough to infect others with his insufferable twititude. It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, really. It just matters that we all come together to stop it.
I beseech thee, do your part to put an end to lame office humor.
