Jordan’s 63 – Greatest Offensive Performance in NBA History?

This past Thursday marked the 2-year anniversary of Kobe Bryant scorching the Toronto Raptors for 81 points. This, combined with a recent conversation amongst acquaintances about Kobe vs. Lebron (and by default either of them vs. Jordan) on the greatness scale inevitably led me down the path of looking up classic Jordan highlights.

And along this familiar road I noticed something: Insufficient praise for Jordan’s 63-point game against The Celtics in ‘86–still an NBA playoff record. If you type in “Kobe 81″ in a Google search you get all of the videos you’d expect plus articles about the performance, but that’s understandable given that it’s more recent.  You type in “Wilt 100″ and it becomes immediately evident that it is an established piece of NBA Lore, with many articles and remembrances of the accomplishment.

But, while there are video highlights of Jordan’s 63, there isn’t much to find in written praise and analysis.

And honestly, I’m definitely not the best guy for this assignment.  I was six-years-old at the time and only really remember rooting for Michael because I hated the C’s, because I was already a Laker fan–like my father before me.  This is an argument that deserves to be made by a basketball scholar, preferably one who was there in Boston Garden to see it in person.  But since I can’t find any such argument made for it beyond a two-page Google search (why does Google even list anything beyond page 2?  If you’re not on at least page 2 nobody’s finding your link, sorry…) I’m going to make the case.

Michael Jordan’s 63-point game against the Celtics is arguably the single best offensive performance in NBA History.

Obviously there are many arguments that can be made against this, and it would be foolish of me to ignore those valid points.  For instance…

It isn’t the highest single-game point total in NBA history.

In fact, it’s not even top 10 (instead it’s tied for fifteenth highest, with seven other dudes who also got to 63). In fact it’s not even Jordan’s highest single-game point total.  He once scored 69 against the Cavs and 64 against the Magic.

It’s not easy to make a case for this being the greatest performance when it’s 31 points shy of the NBA record, 18 points short of second place, and 15 points behind the bronze medalist.

And yet…

Stats aren’t everything.  Mind you, I’m hardly one of these stubborn traditionalists who rails against new-millenium stats such Player Efficiency Rating; I just think statistics are a factor in determining greatness, not the ultimate answer.

If stats were the end-all be-all, we wouldn’t need people to vote for Hall of Fame inductees or MVP awards. Just plug a guy’s numbers into a computer and let it figure it out for you.

David Klingler once threw for 732 yards and 11 touchdown passes against hapless Eastern Washington University.  Is that really the greatest performance by a collegiate quarterback? 15 different Major Leaguers have hit 4-homeruns in a single game.  Are any of those performances greater than Reggie Jackson’s 3-homerun game in the World Series?

Again, stats are a factor, but not the factor.  You have to look at the overall picture before making a final determination.

“Okay,” you say.  “Let’s look at the overall picture, like the fact that…

Jordan lost that game to the Celtics.”

The final score, Boston 135, Bulls 131. Despite Jordan’s incredible efforts Boston was simply too much for him. If he had gotten his teammates more involved could the Bulls have won? We can speculate on that all day but never really be certain, but losing the game does diminish the accomplishment. You simply can’t bring up this performance without mentioning that he lost. Kobe won when he hit 81, Wilt won when he hit 100, but Jordan couldn’t get the W.

And yet…

His effort was all about trying to win. In many of those single-game efforts where someone put up more points than Mike’s 63, winning wasn’t the primary objective. David Thompson hit 72 points once, on the last game of the season and solely for the purpose of winning the league scoring title that year (he lost to George Gervin, who hit 63 the same day also for the purpose of winning the scoring title).  David Robinson hit 71 in a season finale to take the scoring title away from Shaq. While no footage of the game exists, all eyewitness accounts of Wilt’s game seem to point to the fact that the Warriors made a deliberate effort to get Wilt to 100 (while the opposing Knicks make a concentrated effort to keep him from the milestone, even to the detriment of actually winning the game).

Jordan was doing what he had to do to win.  He was leading a woefully over-matched, 8th seeded Bulls team that had the worst Defensive Rating in the NBA that season against perhaps the greatest NBA team ever in the 1985-1986 Celtics.  In the playoffs.  In Boston Garden, where the C’s had an NBA all-time best record of 40-1 that season. The only reason the Bulls were even competitive in the first two games was because Mike exploded for 49 in Game 1 and then went Chernobyl on that ass in Game 2 where he dropped the 63.

Yeah, but he… wait a minute, he had 49-points in Game 1? Why didn’t Boston do more to stop him in Game 2?

They tried. After Game 1, Kevin McHale came out and said that they would not allow something like that to happen to them again. These were the Celtics, dammit–the best defensive (and overall) team in the NBA that season, possibly the greatest team ever–playing on the hallowed parquet floor of the Garden, and they had just allowed a 2nd year guy who had missed almost 80% of the season due to a broken bone in his  foot to come on to their home court and damn near put up 50.  No way this would happen again.

They went back to the drawing board defensively, knowing that the only hope the Bulls had of stealing a win was if Jordan went nuclear.  So they game-planned to prevent exactly that, and he did it any-damn-way.

Not to a pathetic Raptors team that was  scraping the floor of the NBA in Team Defense and Human Dignity in 2006 (sorry Kobe), and not during a time when there were zero defenders physically capable of stopping him from exerting his will (sorry Wilt).  No, Jordan did this to a Boston team that had 4 Hall of Famers on the floor, a  fifth guy in Dennis Johnson who many people think should be in the Hall, and a very strong set of role players like Ainge, M.L. Carr, Cedric Maxwell and Quinn Buckner.

Yes, it matters. It really does…

Okay, maybe you have a point here, but still Jordan needed double-overtime to get to that 63.

Truth. Other guys managed to get higher totals in only 48 minutes, including the man whose playoff-record he broke:Elgin Baylor.

Not only that, but Jordan missed a pretty open look for a go-ahead bucket during the final seconds of the first overtime.  If he hits that jumper and the Bulls win, he only ties Baylor’s 61.

And yet…

Again, you have to look at the overall picture.  Yes this game went to double OT and Jordan missed the potential game-winner in the first overtime.  But he also sank some crucial free-throws to take the game to overtime in the first place.  Free throws on a three-pointer where McHale fouled him at the end of regulation.  It was just Jordan–a second year player–on the line by himself facing nothing but the basket and the rowdy Boston faithful.  Even in the second overtime, with Boston seizing momentum to take a quick four-point lead, Jordan came down and hit two crucial buckets to tie the game up and keep the fans tense until the welcome sound of the buzzer came at last, with Boston clinging to a narrow victory.  For the rest of the playoffs, Boston lost just three games and didn”t let another team come within single digits on its home court.

So what’s the verdict?

I think you can figure out where I stand on this by now.  Michael Jordan, in an injury-shortened second-year of his career, went toe-to-toe with the mighty C’s on their own turf and gave us a glimpse of what was to come.  He got this 63 in classic fashion (this was before he developed a solid three-point shot and he didn’t hit one the entire game), without a hell of a lot of help from teammates (the second-best player on that Bulls team: Orlando Woolridge.  Orlando Woolridge* for God’s sake), going against virtually impossible odds.

Maybe the raw stats don’t agree with me, but again I think the other factors have to count for something.  What’s more impressive, a man who runs a mile in perfect weather, or a man who runs half a mile through a raging storm?  Michael didn’t have the benefit of being a physical phenomenon like Wilt was at the time, he didn’t have the benefit of playing against the NBA’s equivalent of Glass Joe like Kobe when he roasted the Raptors, and he didn’t have the freedom of not being concerned with winning the damn game like David Thompson or David Robinson when they hit their highs.

I can’t really say for certain that this is the greatest offensive performance in NBA history, but it damn sure deserves more discussion in that regard than it currently gets.

*It really isn’t fair for me to do the brother Woolridge like that, he was actually one     of my favorite Lakers when he played for them.  Still, if Orlando was your second best player, you weren’t winning a title–especially not in the Great 80’s.  As a consolation to him, though, I give you this Orlando Woolridge Dunk from the ‘84 Dunk Contest to show that J.R. Rider actually wasn’t the first to give us the between-the-legs dunk…

Breaking News: Brett Favre is NOT the Center of the Universe

After extensive research, scientists independent of the NFL, ESPN and Fox Sports have determined that Brett Favre is, in fact, not the center of the universe.

“He does appear to be the center of Green Bay, Wisconsin,” one scientist confirmed, “but our studies show that even with the copious attention that he draws, he is not the center of the universe.  Yet.”

According to the leader of the research team, their methods included conjuring the spirits of historical astronomers Copernicus and Galileo to corroborate their findings.  To the scientist’s surprise, the exorbitant coverage of Favre’s attempted un-retirement had apparently even reached into the afterlife.

“The first thing Copernicus told us was, ‘Of course he’s the center of the universe,’” the lead scientist said.  “We had to remind him of his own Heliocentric model of the solar system–flawed in its own right, but certainly better than the Favrecentric view we were trying to discredit.  Then Galileo said, ‘But, surely the gravitational pull of all those championship rings altered the structure of the cosmos.’  To which I said no, all one of his Super Bowl rings is actually pretty insignifcant on a cosmic scale.  He’s a great player and all, but when the media refers to him as a ’star’ they’re using the term figuratively.  Or at least, they’re supposed to.  Anyway, both astronomers seemed very surprised to find out that Brett only had one ring, as opposed to the dozens of Super Bowl rings, several World Series rings, two Stanley Cups and the Nobel Prize for Arm Strength that they’d been led to believe he had.”

When approached for comment, ESPN had this to say: “Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre BRETT FREAKING FAVRE!“

More on this story as details emerge.

Quick Rant: No… No… He Really Isn’t Jordan…

I swear to all appropriate deities – and even those that are inappropriate – this is not a “bashing” Kobe article. I’ve always liked Kobe as a player. Even when he demanded the trade and acted like he’d left his mind in El Segundo last summer, I understood why he was behaving that way (nobody expected the same guys who’d played like bums the last few years to suddenly step up to solid contributor status this season). I’m not lashing out at Kobe for us dropping the first 2 games in Boston. I still think, like most others, that he’s the most gifted player in the NBA today.

But it has to be stated: he’s not Jordan. Die hard Kobe fans have been claiming that he is indeed the heir to His Airness for some time and, as stated in this article, many others are starting to hop on the bandwagon, seeing a win in these Finals as the first step toward usurping the throne. ABC color commentator Mark Jackson even went so far as to say that Kobe was as good as Jordan during the Game 1 telecast.

And that’s just stupid. Pure and simple. 100%. It’s not even debatable.

He might get their some fine day (strictly in on-the-court performance – he’ll never be the icon Jordan is, I’ll save that breakdown for another day), but he’s not there right now. Nobody is. You can check the stats for yourself to see how magnificent Mike was, in case you’ve forgotten or weren’t around for all of those incredible performances. What you can infer from the ridiculous point totals and amazing shooting percentages is that Jordan not only knew how to shoot, but when to shoot and how to get a good shot off. He held is own in steals and blocks, which explains all of those First Team All-Defensive selections. But stats don’t really tell the story.

You can view the Youtube clips of classic Jordan games where he managed to scorch opponents and rip their hearts out in high pressure situations. You can listen to interviews from the other legends of the day (like Magic and Bird, the other two members of the Holy-Basketball-Trinity) and hear how their respect for him almost spills over into reverence and awe. But even that won’t really tell the story.

How do you know Michael in his prime was better than Kobe today? Put yourself in this situation:

If you were coaching the Lakers and somehow happened upon a magic wand that would let you trade today’s Kobe for Michael Jordan in his prime, would you make that trade?

Of course you would. Without hesitation. You’d be an idiot not to. And then you’d comfortably enter the playoffs confident that, in today’s game, Jordan might average 45 a night for the entire postseason and will ultimately lead these Lakers to a championship. No question. While most of Kobe’s memorable performances have come during the regular season, Jordan has more exceptional playoff moments than perhaps anyone in history, including a 35 point half in the ‘92 Finals, and ‘93 Finals where Jordan averaged 41 points through 6 games. So you can see how, conversely, if you were Phil Jackson with the Jordan Bulls and came across the same magic wand you wouldn’t give it a second look. You could watch all the footage in the world of Kobe going crazy, hitting incredible shots, dropping 81 points on the hapless Raptors, it doesn’t matter.

You simply wouldn’t trade Jordan for Kobe.

And that’s really all you need to know about who the best still is. The. End.

UPDATE: Mark this on your calendars. June 12th, 2008 Game 4, NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant effectively ends all debate about whether or not he is as good as Michael Jordan. 6 for19 from the field in a MUST WIN game, several misses down the stretch, and permitting his team to choke away a 24 point lead. No way Jordan would have such a Finals performance. No way. Kobe is a great, great player, but Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan.

The NBA: Where Conspiracy Theories Happen

The hot topic in the sports after last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Western Conference Finals is whether or not a foul should have been called on Derek Fisher on the last play of the game when he clearly bumped into Brent “I Still Owe You That Dunk Contest Trophy, Mr. Finley” Barry.  People are citing the classic conspiracy theories already: “Stern wants the Lakers in the Finals, they’re a big market team, they have the league’s top superstar, Lakers vs. Celtics will draw huge ratings, etc.”

I am compelled to weigh in.

An admitted Laker fan, my defense of what happened last night may, on the surface, appear to be blatant homerism.  But I’m a basketball fan first.  You want to see egregiously partial officiating: 2002 Western Conference Finals, the Lakers vs. the Kings.  I was watching at a bar with a co-worker who was a Kings fan and I felt obligated to buy him drinks all night to amend for the hideous calls going in favor of my Lakers that game.  It was awful.

The very next year, LA played a Game 3 in the first round against the T-wolves that we should’ve graciously forfeited had we somehow won due to the referee’s wearing purple and gold all night.

Last night, however, was different.  Do not add this one to your manilla Conspiracy Evidence folder my friend.  This was simply a case of bad officiating on all fronts cancelling itself out.

Regarding the “questionable” non-call, my determination is, yes, it probably should have been a two-shot foul (I may grudgingly concede a foul call on the final play of a crucial playoff game with the ball 30-damn-feet from the basket, but there’s no way I’m conceding continuation), but it’s a play that never should have happened in the first place.

As many others have already blogged about before me, Derek Fisher’s jumper on the Lakers’ final posession did get rim.  Grazed, yes, but it hit.  The refs blew that call, creating the threat of a shot clock violation on the ensuing inbounds play, forcing Kobe to jack a shot up when he should have been able and catch the ball and hold it until the inevitable foul.  He goes to the line, hits his free throws (if we’re presuming Barry would hit his and force overtime, then we should also presume Kobe would hit his to put the game away) and that last, controversial play never happens.

Additionally, before the Lakers’ last possession, Tony Parker was beneficiary of a blown goaltending call on Lamar Odom, who cleanly pinned his layup to the backboard.  If Tony isn’t awarded the bucket, LA takes the ball to the other end of the court in a situation where the Spurs are forced to put them on the foul line, where they likely seal the victory.

The Spurs, as an organization, have handled this controversy with their usual class.  Pop said that he wouldn’t have made the call.  Barry didn’t complain about it.  The only people complaining are fans, many of whom aren’t even Spurs fans, just Laker haters.

Fact is, you can’t argue this call without mentioning the above-mentioned blown calls that put the Spurs in that position.  The Spurs know this themselves, which is probably a contributing factor in their refusal to blame their loss on that call.

It’s a non-play.  A phantom.  Stop comparing it to Ginobli’s foul of Nowitzki from Game 7 in the ‘05 semis.  It’s not the same situation (for one, as people are so quick to forget, that wasn’t the last play of the game, or even the quarter: the Spurs had 20 more seconds in regulation, and secondly, the Mavs hadn’t just been given the opportunity courtesy of blown calls against San Antonio). 

UPDATE:

If there is a situation to compare it to, it would be this…

Back to last night, had the call been made and the Spurs gone on to win, people would be rightfully complaining about Fisher’s shot and Odom’s block. 

And stop saying “two wrongs don’t make a right.”  It’s a stupid phrase, it’s never made sense, and even if it did it wouldn’t apply to this situation.

In the end, it all balanced out, and the team that was supposed to win won the damn game.

THE. END.

Quick-Rant: Stop Asking if I Play Basketball…

I used to give people benefit of the doubt, but I have now reached the undeniable conclusion that asking some random tall person if they play basketball is almost always a stupid question.  Here is a short list of times when it’s okay to ask a tall dude if he plays basketball:

1. He’s an acquaintance (co-worker, friend of a friend, etc.) and you’re in a position where you’re trying to start a conversation any way you can just to break the awkward silence.

2. He’s an acquaintance and you want to recruit him for you city-league team, The Central Bank Swishers (he might agree, but you better believe he’ll demand you change the name).

3. He’s 6′8″ or taller and looks athletic and you have a good reason for asking (your kid’s with you and you want to get an autograph if the guy’s a pro, or your kid’s with you and you want to make the guy take a paternity test if he’s a pro).

4. He’s wearing a shirt that says “Ask Me If I Play Basketball” printed on the front, and “No, Seriously, Ask Me If I Play Basketball.  I’m Talking to You.  Don’t You Walk Away From Me Motherf– Man I Will Hunt You Down and Beat The Question Out of You If You Don’t Get Back Over Here and Ask Me if I Play Basketball,” printed on the back.

That’s it.  Under no other circumstances is it okay to ask this question of someone you barely know / don’t know at all.  None.  It’s a stupid, stupid question on multiple levels.  Allow me to assault you with the breakdown of why it’s really so stupid…

I’m Not That Damn Tall 

I’m 6′4″.  Yes, that’s tall in the real world, but not freakish-NBA-talent tall.  Tony Parker is officially listed at 6′2″, and he might be a bit taller.  I walked past him in North Star Mall once (he had his whole French crew with him, parlez-vous-ing francais and eating bon-bons and all that good stuff) and dude was eye-to-eye with me. 

In the Association, Tony is considered a “small” dude.  When you see him on TV you think “Look at that little French, flopping punk. I’d bodyslam him if I ever saw him.”  Then you see him in real life and realize he’s about five inches taller than you, and he’s built pretty solid from working out all damn year (because…you know… he’s a professional athlete) and truth told, if you two got in a fight, he would probably chest-kick you into the nearest bottomless pit right after yelling, “This.  Is.  PARKER!!!”

Recap: 6′2″ – 6′5″ is tall in the real world, but not especially tall in the pro-ball world.

At 6′6″ and up, you start getting into heights that are a little more common in the pro-ball world, but even then… Oh, you’re not asking if I’m a pro?  Just if I play?  Well that leads to…

Why the Hell Are You Asking Anyway?

The only reason to ask is if you’re curious to know if the dude’s a pro, or at least a player for a major local college (and the latter only applies if you’re curious to know if the dude might go pro, or if you thought you recognized him from an ESPN clip you caught the other day). 

Asking for any other reason makes even less sense than randomly asking any person 6′3″ and above if they just happen to be a professional, millionaire, celebrity athlete.  What, you’re asking if I play ball recreationally at gyms, or at parks, or with friends and family on the adjustable, portable goal at the end of the cul-de-sac?  The answer is yes, but there’s not really a height requirement for any of that.  There’s no “You Must Be This Tall to Hoop On This Court” when you step into Gold’s.  Where’s this conversation going?  Is there a point?

I’ve Heard it A Million Times

Some stuff, it’s probably cool to get asked all the time.  If you’re really good-looking and people stay asking, “Do you model?” I’m sure it doesn’t get old.

But the “Do you play basketball?” question has been old to me and any other tall person since high school, but people ask you this like it’s something they’re sure no one else has ever brought up to you.  Like they’re presenting you with career advice.

“So uh, do you play basketball?”

“No, actually, I don’t.”

“Really?  Well, you should.”

“You think so?”

“Hell yeah, man!  You’re a tall guy!  And… you’re… well, you’re tall!  I mean come on!“

“You’re right!  I am tall!  I’m gonna go buy some Nike Air Maxes and try out for the Lakers!  Thanks, total stranger!”

No.  No.  Go to hell, total stranger.  Burn forever in the pits of the inferno, total stranger. 

Fuck, off, total stranger.

Loving This FANtastic Game Again (or…How the NBA is Coming Back)

Tuesday night’s absolutely dreadful game between the Cavs and Celtics notwithstanding, the Eastern Conference has provided surprisingly competitive and entertaining action in this year’s playoffs. Recapping round 1: The Sixers showed up and actually made Detroit earn the series; Atlanta stunned Boston by forcing a 7th game and gave everyone reason to believe that the young, athletic Hawks could be a factor in the East next year; Orlando’s Dwight Howard showed why he’ll likely be the league’s best big man for years to come (with Chris Bosh putting in his own great performances for Toronto, which make me say “Not so fast my friend” to myself for wanting to enthrone Howard already). And Cavs vs. Wizards, hell, what didn’t it have? Nail-biters, buzzer-beaters, hard fouls, trash talking, bad blood, rapper feuds, Jay-Z freestyle disses, ninjas (Game 5, around the halfway point in the third quarter, go back and watch the tapes if you think I’m making it up).

There was a reason to watch every series. It was great.

The Western Conference, meanwhile, gave us a Lakers sweep (not that I’m complaining), a 1st round Houston departure that was predetermined (the whole “better without Yao” argument was always ridiculous), Dallas reaffirming everyone’s beliefs that they’ve stopped caring about the postseason since getting jobbed in the ‘06 Finals, and the disappointing Spurs vs. Suns series where, after a classic Game 1, we saw the basketball gods declare “Thou shalt not even sniff the reaping of any rewards for a foolish trade,” and cripple Phoenix’s ability to compete. Shaq was supposed to get them over the hump, and instead he just gave us a series where he frequently looked slow and uninspired and more like a liability than an asset (while I’m here, I know people called Hack-a-Shaq bush league and took Coach Pop to task for it, but fuck that, if Shaq could hit even 60% of his free throws nobody would do that shit to him. I’m a Laker fan, I’ll always have love for Shaq, but he brings that on himself).

Still, I can forgive this of the West because we know their Conference Final is going to be a hell of a series to watch (provided it doesn’t somehow end up as Spurs vs. Jazz) and they’re the main reason why we just had the best NBA regular season since the FANtastic 80’s / early 90’s.

Yes. The Association is back. Or at least it’s on its way. We’ve still got the threat of “Spurs vs. Pistons II: The Revenge” potentially coming to a TV screen near us to contend with (ok, bit of a cheap shot there; Jazz vs. Pistons would be a much, MUCH worse series). But we’ve also got the potential for Lakers vs. Celtics, which David Stern is either A) fervently praying for, and perhaps even offering human sacrifices to any available deities to ensure, or B) actively ensuring will take place by vowing to disappear any refs who don’t do everything in their power to make sure it happens.

Stern needed this great NBA season more than anyone, and now he needs a fun, furious postseason. Finally, the association needs fans to pay attention to the players again, to distract from the fiascoes happening off the court. The season kicked off with the revelation of an NBA ref letting mob debts influence his calls, gave us more of the ongoing “Isiah Thomas destroys all that he touches” saga in New York throughout the year, and is wrapping up with Stern letting a greedy ass businessman steal basketball from the city of Seattle. (In one year we have great evidence that the whole “Stern controls the universe” conspiracy isn’t valid, because there’s no way he wouldn’t have orchestrated Isiah’s departure from New York sooner if it was, and great evidence that the conspiracy is valid, because why else would he stubbornly support Clay Bennet, despite the man’s blatant disengenousness regarding keeping the Sonics in Seattle, if it wasn’t for the fact that Bennet’s his buddy? Oh David, you sure know how to keep us guessing!)

So how did this happen? We’re just a few years removed from Ron Artest ignominously stealing the spotlight for beating up a fan who looked like the “They’re eating her,” kid from Troll 2…

League viewership was at a low. People blamed the decline on the thuggish, hip-hop look and unlikable character and irreversible blackness of the players. Larry Bird came out & said what everyone was thinking, that white fans weren’t watching due to the pronounced lack of white American superstars. So the league implemented a dress code so players could only sport their tattoos on the court & would have to stop rocking do-rags during interviews, and they made leaving the bench during a fight a capital offense, even if it’s just to try to keep the peace or check on a teammate, (meanwhile in baseball if you stayed in the dugout during a brawl analysts would rip you to shreds on-air) and begged players to stop makign terrible hip hop albums for the love of God, and considered every imaginable, ultimately pointless cosmetic change. Nothing worked.

So what changed this year? Why are ratings back up after being in a free fall since the end of the Bulls dynasty? Well what the hell made it FANtastic in the 1st place?

Super-Teams that were overloaded with productive talent, and Offense. They’ve made a comeback and brought the fans with them.

The NBA in the 90’s stayed afloat because of Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. If not for the most popular American athlete since Babe Ruth the ratings would’ve been declining since about ‘91 as opposed to ‘98. Prior to Jordan there was the famous arrival of league saviors Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. But what really made the game fun to watch wasn’t just the individual stars, it was the fact that these stars could hit shots, score points and helped turn their teammates into stars (and in rare cases Hall of Famers). The Celtics in the 80’s were considered a “blue collar” team but they could put a century up on the scoreboard easily.

In the 90’s, coaches started adopting that whole “Defense wins championships” theory with a tad too much zeal, thanks to Pat Riley’s “We can’t keep up with the Bulls offensively, so lets try to bully them into a slow, brutal defeat” Knicks. The same Pat Riley who helped Magic unleash “Showtime” in LA for close to a decade completely changed the game for the worse when he moved to New York.

Things like ball movement and moving without the basketball and working for the best shot possible became obsolete. Sure, defense is crucial, but basketball is different from football and baseball. Anyone who’s played at any serious level or actually watched and studied the game with serious interest knows that there’s only so much defense can do. Good ball movement and making the extra pass will always thwart good defensive rotation. It can’t be helped. A great pump fake and footwork can confound even great defenders. Think I’m lying? Here’s a videoof Hall of Famer, world-class athlete and 8-time All Defensive Team selection David Robinson that everyone in my city would love to pretend was a work of fiction.

Everybody’s who has watched a fair amount of games has seen a moment or dozens or hundreds where a guy played textbook defense and still got a jumpshot buried in his mouth. Seriously, look up the list of NBA players who’ve scored 50 points in a single game, and yes you’ll see the expected names–Chamberlain, Bryant, Barry, Jordan, Jabbar–but you’ll also find Dana Barros, Cedric Ceballos, Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Tracy Murray.

Tracy…Murray.

That’s basketball, though. A guy can get hot and there’s not a hell of a lot you can do about it. The rules of the game–particularly the pro game–are inherently designed to benefit the offense and force a faster tempo. But it only really works if you play as a team and if the coaches show confidence in their team’s ability to score.

This year saw it come together after years of selfish play (facilitated by exorbitant contracts handed to unproven players) and lousy coaching crippled the league. That terrible game the Celts & Cavs played the other night–it’s an abberation worthy of its own article now. Had it been played in 1999, nobody would’ve noticed (I don’t care that it was a strike shortened season, that doesn’t excuse guys from hitting shots). It’s not too far off from Game 7 of the ‘05 Finals.

A score of 148-114 was the 1985 version of an embarrassing blowout in the NBA Finals, while the 1998 version is 96-54. And people wonder, really, why fans started tuning out when Jordan left? Nobody tunes in to the NBA to watch a lot of lockdown defense and bad shooting. People don’t even like defensive struggles in football, where it’s more common and there’s at least a chance of seeing a big hit to excite you. Why would the masses tune in to see basketball games where you know nobody’s going to even flirt with scoring 100?

Things are getting better now though. We’re still a long way from seeing a return to the glory days, but it’s getting there. It’s getting out of its own way and it’s seeing the light. There is young talent making a name for itself in the playoffs, teams are actually playing team ball and not standing around watching one guy go for his every time down the court, veterans are proving that they aren’t quite beyond their prime yet, and then you’ve got other talented guys who are sitting at home right now waiting to prove themselves next year.

Yes, the NBA – on the court at least, if not in the back offices – is climbing out of the dark and giving us a reason to love this game again.

We missed you fam. Welcome back.

10 People Guaranteed to Ruin a Pickup Basketball Game – Part 2

5. The Guy Who “Hasn’t Played in a While”

I’ll admit, I’ve recently been this guy, which is how I can guarantee that this guy will ruin your pickup game. It doesn’t matter if the guy looks like he’s in shape, looks like he can ball, hit every shot while shooting around on the other goal in between games. He’s gonna be winded the first time up the court, so he’ll pretty much adopt an “I’m not fighting through any screens or challenging any shots or running back on defense” philosophy. And after that, whoever he’s guarding is going to kill him. Don’t bother trying to get Mr. “Hasn’t Played in a While” guy fired up by shouting “Come on man! D-Up!” because you’ll probably get a response along the lines of “Look, I told you I haven’t played in a while. I’m tired, ‘kay!”

4. Football Players

Yes, there are some football players who can hoop. Iverson was an All-Universe QB in high school after all. But chances are, if somebody steps on the court looking like a JUCO linebacker, you are about to have a worthless, fucked up run, especially on the other team. What these Butkus-award-winning cats don’t realize is that just being crazy-strong and athletic doesn’t mean you can ball or belong anywhere near a basketball court. It just means that your cartoonishly violent aggression is going to result in several injuries and possibly a severe case of “Tackled Into a Coma” for one unfortunate opponent. The worst things about football players on the court is that they’re INSANELY sensitive about anyone getting the least bit physical with them…

(HIM: “Oh, that’s the way you wanna play it? That’s how we’re playin’? All right then. All right..”

YOU: “What? No. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I was just blocking you out for the rebound. Why are you putting cleats on? What are you planning?! Stay the hell away from me!!”)

…and they always get picked, because the guy picking one knows that the football guy is going to brutalize the will-to-compete out of the other team about five points into the game.

3. Buddies Who Think They’re Way Better Than They Actually Are

You almost can’t find a pickup game where there’s not at least one guy out there who thinks he’s a superstar. Truth is, actual superstars play with other actual superstars in secret, underground Death-Tourneys that regular hoopers aren’t invited to. Or, when they do play with the commoners, they actually help you win the game, and not help you beat the other team in a “Most Shot Attempts While Still Getting Blown Out” contest. So the guy who just thinks he’s a superstar is really just a dude taking out his frustrations with not making the roster at the D-III school he goes to by jacking up a shot every time he touches the ball. But this type of guy is so ubiquitous that he doesn’t really ruin a game: most players know him well enough when they see him and everyone else on the team adjusts accordingly.

What ruins the game is when he’s paired with his pal, who also didn’t make the roster at the University of Mini-Metropolitan State A&T, and these two try to take on the other team two-on-five. Freezing them out isn’t so easy now. Invariably, one thinks he can run point while the other thinks that “Isolation Me” is the only sensible play to run on offense. The point-guard guy throws his buddy alleys that they couldn’t even get right just playing around between games, they run two man plays that they drafted up in the car on the way to the gym that would only work if nobody was defending them and if they were actually any good, and, of course, they get mad at anyone else who has the audacity to take a shot. These are the guys complaining “You should’ve kicked it out to one of us” after you’ve pulled down an offensive rebound from one of their bricks and made the putback for game point. They’re easily the most hated dudes in the gym, but still not the most ruinous of game-ruiners…

2. Bad Team-Picker Dude

This motherfucker…

The primary problem is he’s not the least bit competitive, he’s just there to have fun. So, without consideration of what will make the teams balanced he picks up his friends or the people he thinks are nice guys, plus one (always just one) other guy who can actually ball but won’t stand a chance given the three other bums that the team captain picked up.

When teams are ridiculously unbalanced, people like to complain about the guy who picked for the stacked team, but it’s almost ALWAYS the other team captain’s fault. The most common scenario is that he picks a team where the tallest dude is 5′9″, letting the other team put together a 5 where the shortest player is a 6′3″ dude who was All-Region back in high school before blowing out his knee, but since then he’s been playing in Greece and has rehabbed pretty well, and the injury forced him to focus on other aspects of his game that don’t rely on his world-class athleticism so now he’s a better player for it and has a workout with the Spurs scheduled for the end of summer.

Yeah, you had first pick, could’ve grabbed him, but you picked your boy Jake because you two have the same favorite movie. You know how everyone knows that’s why you picked Jake? Because throughout the game, you and Jake are saying “I thought you said you’d make it Chitwood!” and “I think it’s time you started playing ball again Chitwood!” after every airball you throw up, and laughing it up like it’s the cutest thing in the world. Because nobody else has ever seen Hoosiers, just you two, and you’re in your own little world together, you two crazy kids, just having a blast being pals playing a game. Meanwhile the one guy on your team who can actually play is giving serious thought to kneecapping you.

Hey, it’s cool to just have fun and not to take things too seriously and all, but not when there are fifty other dudes waiting on the sideline and you won’t be back up for next for another hour and a half. That may be okay for you because you haven’t got shit else to do, but I’m here on my lunch break you son of a bitch! At least have the decency to not pick me for the love of God!

*Ahem*

Speaking of the cats waiting on the sideline…

1. The Motherfuckers Shooting Around On the Other End of the Court

Here’s something crazy that happens during basketball games. Defenders sometimes get steals, or even just get a rebound, and suddenly rush up the other end of the court with their teammates in an attempt to quickly score. This is called a “fast break,” and is a common basketball term that is familiar even with people who don’t know a damn thing about basketball. So you might think that someone who goes to a gym to play ball should be aware of the “fast break” that could happen at any given moment during a game, and would then take it upon themselves to not do anything that might interfere with a potential “fast break” during a game that they’re not involved in.

You might think that, but then you’d also be horribly, stupidly, unbelievably wrong.

As soon as the teams head up to the other end of the court, some toolbags near the now temporarily open basket will start shooting, oblivious and indifferent to the potential “fast break” that could come back their way. This wouldn’t be such a crime against all things hoop-related if they were just shooting layups or practicing a few post moves where they could easily move off-court when said “fast break” comes. But no, they’re bombing threes and playing HORSE, and they’re using those terrible rubber balls you win at the carnival that bounce more erratically than coked-out nightclub security.

Of all the things that can ruin a pickup game, there’s not much worse than when you’re tied up at game point, you manage to get that crucial stop, take the long rebound, give a perfect outlet to your streaking point guard who has a guy running parallel on the opposite wing and a big man trailing in the 3-on-2 break… just to see it all destroyed before it can even materialize because the fucking Chitwood twins are playing “Let’s Pretend There’s 5 Seconds Left in the State Finals and You Need to Hit a 3 to Win It!” on your basket. They can’t hear everyone else shouting “Ball coming!” because they’re so immersed in the fantasy that they only hear the roar of the crowd, and only see the black jerseys of their hated rivals who’ve bribed the refs and cheated to get their current lead, and only feel the serenity of knowing that even if they miss this game-winning buzzer-beater, their imaginary co-prom-queen girlfriends will still love them.

And only say “Oops. Our bad bro,” while giggling like a 1st-grader saying “boobies” after colliding with a defender and bringing that perfect break to a screeching halt.

If there’s a more justifiable-homicide-inspiring thing that could happen during a pickup game, then… well… make your own list and put it on there then, damn it. I can’t do everything…

10 People Guaranteed to Ruin a PickUp Basketball Game – Part 1

Here I am, second blog in already defying my own personal promise to never resort to a “Top 10″ list.  Ah well.  It’s not even a “Top” 10 per se, more like a “Randomly Selected but Still Relevant to the Topic” 10.  Anyone who plays ball knows that there are more than 10 types of characters who you hate to see signing up on the board at the gym, or saying they’ve got next on the sideline.  This is just a sampling. 

10. Dudes Playing in Non-Hoop Gear 

I propose a new rule: in every gym and every park where 5-on-5 full court is being played, if you show up wearing a button up, khaki cargo shorts, New Balance cross trainers and a hat on (backwards too?  Are you serious?) you are not allowed to shoot for captains, or claim you’ve got next, or be picked up by anyone else unless you are the 10th guy and without you a game can’t be played.  If you are selected, it is the obligation of your teammates to freeze you out, never pass to you, intentionally make you guard the other team’s best guy so he can make you look even more foolish than wearing that stupid seashell necklace on the court does, and yell at you for any shot that you might have the chance to take, even if you make it. 

This may sound harsh, but this is what you get for coming to the court dressed like you should be at Dave & Busters or Six Flags shooting at a rim to win stuffed animals.

9. Dudes Playing In Too Much Hoop-Gear

I know, I know, you think that the headband, prescription goggles, mouthpiece, wristbands, elbow pads, knee braces, ankle braces and matching uniform make you look like the most versatile, well-prepared, Swiss-Army-Basketball-Player ever.

To everyone else it makes you look like you can’t shoot, dribble, defend, rebound, pass, run, walk, think clearly, get a date, or be trusted to dress yourself. 

8. Dudes With Superfluous Hustle and Zero Skill

It wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t constantly screaming, “Come on guys! Let’s hustle! Dive on the floor for the ball! Grab a rebound!”, while all you’ve done is run around the court setting unnecessary screens, missing wide open layups because you’re sprinting at the rim like you’re trying to chase it down and double dribbling/traveling/carrying all at once because you’ve got way too much energy to be concerned with stupid things like fundamentals and mechanics and not turning the damn ball over. 

(On a side note…double dribbling?!  Anybody who double dribbles should be immediately expelled from the game, even if he is the 10th guy and so it leaves the other team shorthanded.  If they refuse to leave, you should have every right to chop their hands off.)

7. Dudes Who Call Violations That Don’t Exist in Pickup Games 

Here are a list of violations that don’t exist in pickup basketball:

Over and Back.

Three Seconds in the Paint.

Charging.

Facemask.*

Dunking on You.*

*-Also not violations in any other form of basketball.

The worst thing about cats who make these calls is that they will one day become junior high or high school refs, and will choke on all of the calls they want to make in pickup games.

6. Girls Who Aren’t Really, Really Good 

Ah hell… here we go. 

Okay, listen, I promise on every imaginable sacred object that I am not sexist.  But see, when a woman who isn’t really, really good steps on the court, it just fucks the game up.  I’m sorry, but it does. 

See, if it’s a guy and he’s not that good, you don’t feel bad when you block his shot off the backboard or shove him to the floor to get a loose ball.  With a girl who isn’t that good on the court though, on one hand, you want to respect her as a player and athlete. On the other hand, you’re going to feel bad when you pin her layup to the glass with two hands and instinctively scream “You suck and deserve to die!” (the standard taunt after such a play). 

Maybe this one just stems from an incident in college that I experienced.  I won’t get into it now, but if I bring it up in a later article it’ll probably be tagged with words like “accidentally,” “dunking,” “on a girl,” “apologizing” and “secret high-fives.”

Part II