Al Qaida No. 2 Man Calls Obama Racial Epithet… oh, and he’s also known to murder people…

See, stuff like this is why I sometimes have a problem with the media .  Is the racial epithet really the headline material here?  Shouldn’t it be more like Terrorist Psycho Unmoved By Election Results: Says, “I Thought I Told You That We Won’t Stop.” 

It’d be different if al-Zawahiri called him something harsher and followed it up with, “You know, I’ve never liked black people.  I just might put out a hit on the entire race.”  That’s some shit I need to see in the headline (in no small part because certain elements in America might hear that news and say, “Well gol-damn, dem ol’ terrorist boys may not be so bad after all.”)  Highlighting al-Zawahiri’s use of the term “house negro” is like running a headline saying Satan Calls Jewish People Greedy in an article where he also reveals himself as the cause of all human misery.  Sure the terminology’s offensive, but it’s Satan.  Is this a surprise?  Isn’t the continuing hostility of a known madman the real news here?

The headline makes it sound like al-Zawahiri is a corporate exec who let an n-bomb slip around the wrong people.  Like he’s going to hold a press conference later talking about, “I deeply regret my choice of words.  It was obviously inappropriate.  Clearly I was mistaken in thinking that prefacing the word with ’What’s up my’ would make it acceptable, and I apologize to anyone who I offended.  I’m not a racist.  I’ve slept with many, many black women.  I would marry Beyonce in an instant.  Rhianna too.  And Terrence Howard.  Oh wait…”

The basic gist of the article is, “al-Zawahiri calls Obama a house negro.  And it looks like he still wants to kill everybody, too.”  Maybe I’m nuts, but the latter seems more critical than the former.  I just can’t imagine that Obama heard al-Zawahiri’s recording and responded like, “What did that motherfucker just say?”

“He insinuated an escalation in violence if we increase the number of troops in Afghani–”

“No, no, no, before that.  The shit about me being a house negro.  Do my ears deceive or is he basically calling me a sell out?  Is he calling me an Uncle Tom?  Is Barack Obama gonna have to choke a bitch?”

“Uh… no sir, I doubt you’re gonna have to.  You can certainly choose to, though.  You are going to be President after all…”

“Right, right.  Thanks for the clarification, that’s why I keep you around Steve.  So, I guess this all boils down to America’s relationship with Al-Qaida remaining unchanged?”

“That’s pretty much it, sir.”

“Thought so.”

Breaking News: Brett Favre is NOT the Center of the Universe

After extensive research, scientists independent of the NFL, ESPN and Fox Sports have determined that Brett Favre is, in fact, not the center of the universe.

“He does appear to be the center of Green Bay, Wisconsin,” one scientist confirmed, “but our studies show that even with the copious attention that he draws, he is not the center of the universe.  Yet.”

According to the leader of the research team, their methods included conjuring the spirits of historical astronomers Copernicus and Galileo to corroborate their findings.  To the scientist’s surprise, the exorbitant coverage of Favre’s attempted un-retirement had apparently even reached into the afterlife.

“The first thing Copernicus told us was, ‘Of course he’s the center of the universe,’” the lead scientist said.  “We had to remind him of his own Heliocentric model of the solar system–flawed in its own right, but certainly better than the Favrecentric view we were trying to discredit.  Then Galileo said, ‘But, surely the gravitational pull of all those championship rings altered the structure of the cosmos.’  To which I said no, all one of his Super Bowl rings is actually pretty insignifcant on a cosmic scale.  He’s a great player and all, but when the media refers to him as a ’star’ they’re using the term figuratively.  Or at least, they’re supposed to.  Anyway, both astronomers seemed very surprised to find out that Brett only had one ring, as opposed to the dozens of Super Bowl rings, several World Series rings, two Stanley Cups and the Nobel Prize for Arm Strength that they’d been led to believe he had.”

When approached for comment, ESPN had this to say: “Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre BRETT FREAKING FAVRE!“

More on this story as details emerge.

Quick Rant: No… No… He Really Isn’t Jordan…

I swear to all appropriate deities – and even those that are inappropriate – this is not a “bashing” Kobe article. I’ve always liked Kobe as a player. Even when he demanded the trade and acted like he’d left his mind in El Segundo last summer, I understood why he was behaving that way (nobody expected the same guys who’d played like bums the last few years to suddenly step up to solid contributor status this season). I’m not lashing out at Kobe for us dropping the first 2 games in Boston. I still think, like most others, that he’s the most gifted player in the NBA today.

But it has to be stated: he’s not Jordan. Die hard Kobe fans have been claiming that he is indeed the heir to His Airness for some time and, as stated in this article, many others are starting to hop on the bandwagon, seeing a win in these Finals as the first step toward usurping the throne. ABC color commentator Mark Jackson even went so far as to say that Kobe was as good as Jordan during the Game 1 telecast.

And that’s just stupid. Pure and simple. 100%. It’s not even debatable.

He might get their some fine day (strictly in on-the-court performance – he’ll never be the icon Jordan is, I’ll save that breakdown for another day), but he’s not there right now. Nobody is. You can check the stats for yourself to see how magnificent Mike was, in case you’ve forgotten or weren’t around for all of those incredible performances. What you can infer from the ridiculous point totals and amazing shooting percentages is that Jordan not only knew how to shoot, but when to shoot and how to get a good shot off. He held is own in steals and blocks, which explains all of those First Team All-Defensive selections. But stats don’t really tell the story.

You can view the Youtube clips of classic Jordan games where he managed to scorch opponents and rip their hearts out in high pressure situations. You can listen to interviews from the other legends of the day (like Magic and Bird, the other two members of the Holy-Basketball-Trinity) and hear how their respect for him almost spills over into reverence and awe. But even that won’t really tell the story.

How do you know Michael in his prime was better than Kobe today? Put yourself in this situation:

If you were coaching the Lakers and somehow happened upon a magic wand that would let you trade today’s Kobe for Michael Jordan in his prime, would you make that trade?

Of course you would. Without hesitation. You’d be an idiot not to. And then you’d comfortably enter the playoffs confident that, in today’s game, Jordan might average 45 a night for the entire postseason and will ultimately lead these Lakers to a championship. No question. While most of Kobe’s memorable performances have come during the regular season, Jordan has more exceptional playoff moments than perhaps anyone in history, including a 35 point half in the ‘92 Finals, and ‘93 Finals where Jordan averaged 41 points through 6 games. So you can see how, conversely, if you were Phil Jackson with the Jordan Bulls and came across the same magic wand you wouldn’t give it a second look. You could watch all the footage in the world of Kobe going crazy, hitting incredible shots, dropping 81 points on the hapless Raptors, it doesn’t matter.

You simply wouldn’t trade Jordan for Kobe.

And that’s really all you need to know about who the best still is. The. End.

UPDATE: Mark this on your calendars. June 12th, 2008 Game 4, NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant effectively ends all debate about whether or not he is as good as Michael Jordan. 6 for19 from the field in a MUST WIN game, several misses down the stretch, and permitting his team to choke away a 24 point lead. No way Jordan would have such a Finals performance. No way. Kobe is a great, great player, but Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan.

Quick-Rant: Stop Asking if I Play Basketball…

I used to give people benefit of the doubt, but I have now reached the undeniable conclusion that asking some random tall person if they play basketball is almost always a stupid question.  Here is a short list of times when it’s okay to ask a tall dude if he plays basketball:

1. He’s an acquaintance (co-worker, friend of a friend, etc.) and you’re in a position where you’re trying to start a conversation any way you can just to break the awkward silence.

2. He’s an acquaintance and you want to recruit him for you city-league team, The Central Bank Swishers (he might agree, but you better believe he’ll demand you change the name).

3. He’s 6′8″ or taller and looks athletic and you have a good reason for asking (your kid’s with you and you want to get an autograph if the guy’s a pro, or your kid’s with you and you want to make the guy take a paternity test if he’s a pro).

4. He’s wearing a shirt that says “Ask Me If I Play Basketball” printed on the front, and “No, Seriously, Ask Me If I Play Basketball.  I’m Talking to You.  Don’t You Walk Away From Me Motherf– Man I Will Hunt You Down and Beat The Question Out of You If You Don’t Get Back Over Here and Ask Me if I Play Basketball,” printed on the back.

That’s it.  Under no other circumstances is it okay to ask this question of someone you barely know / don’t know at all.  None.  It’s a stupid, stupid question on multiple levels.  Allow me to assault you with the breakdown of why it’s really so stupid…

I’m Not That Damn Tall 

I’m 6′4″.  Yes, that’s tall in the real world, but not freakish-NBA-talent tall.  Tony Parker is officially listed at 6′2″, and he might be a bit taller.  I walked past him in North Star Mall once (he had his whole French crew with him, parlez-vous-ing francais and eating bon-bons and all that good stuff) and dude was eye-to-eye with me. 

In the Association, Tony is considered a “small” dude.  When you see him on TV you think “Look at that little French, flopping punk. I’d bodyslam him if I ever saw him.”  Then you see him in real life and realize he’s about five inches taller than you, and he’s built pretty solid from working out all damn year (because…you know… he’s a professional athlete) and truth told, if you two got in a fight, he would probably chest-kick you into the nearest bottomless pit right after yelling, “This.  Is.  PARKER!!!”

Recap: 6′2″ – 6′5″ is tall in the real world, but not especially tall in the pro-ball world.

At 6′6″ and up, you start getting into heights that are a little more common in the pro-ball world, but even then… Oh, you’re not asking if I’m a pro?  Just if I play?  Well that leads to…

Why the Hell Are You Asking Anyway?

The only reason to ask is if you’re curious to know if the dude’s a pro, or at least a player for a major local college (and the latter only applies if you’re curious to know if the dude might go pro, or if you thought you recognized him from an ESPN clip you caught the other day). 

Asking for any other reason makes even less sense than randomly asking any person 6′3″ and above if they just happen to be a professional, millionaire, celebrity athlete.  What, you’re asking if I play ball recreationally at gyms, or at parks, or with friends and family on the adjustable, portable goal at the end of the cul-de-sac?  The answer is yes, but there’s not really a height requirement for any of that.  There’s no “You Must Be This Tall to Hoop On This Court” when you step into Gold’s.  Where’s this conversation going?  Is there a point?

I’ve Heard it A Million Times

Some stuff, it’s probably cool to get asked all the time.  If you’re really good-looking and people stay asking, “Do you model?” I’m sure it doesn’t get old.

But the “Do you play basketball?” question has been old to me and any other tall person since high school, but people ask you this like it’s something they’re sure no one else has ever brought up to you.  Like they’re presenting you with career advice.

“So uh, do you play basketball?”

“No, actually, I don’t.”

“Really?  Well, you should.”

“You think so?”

“Hell yeah, man!  You’re a tall guy!  And… you’re… well, you’re tall!  I mean come on!“

“You’re right!  I am tall!  I’m gonna go buy some Nike Air Maxes and try out for the Lakers!  Thanks, total stranger!”

No.  No.  Go to hell, total stranger.  Burn forever in the pits of the inferno, total stranger. 

Fuck, off, total stranger.