Al Qaida No. 2 Man Calls Obama Racial Epithet… oh, and he’s also known to murder people…

See, stuff like this is why I sometimes have a problem with the media .  Is the racial epithet really the headline material here?  Shouldn’t it be more like Terrorist Psycho Unmoved By Election Results: Says, “I Thought I Told You That We Won’t Stop.” 

It’d be different if al-Zawahiri called him something harsher and followed it up with, “You know, I’ve never liked black people.  I just might put out a hit on the entire race.”  That’s some shit I need to see in the headline (in no small part because certain elements in America might hear that news and say, “Well gol-damn, dem ol’ terrorist boys may not be so bad after all.”)  Highlighting al-Zawahiri’s use of the term “house negro” is like running a headline saying Satan Calls Jewish People Greedy in an article where he also reveals himself as the cause of all human misery.  Sure the terminology’s offensive, but it’s Satan.  Is this a surprise?  Isn’t the continuing hostility of a known madman the real news here?

The headline makes it sound like al-Zawahiri is a corporate exec who let an n-bomb slip around the wrong people.  Like he’s going to hold a press conference later talking about, “I deeply regret my choice of words.  It was obviously inappropriate.  Clearly I was mistaken in thinking that prefacing the word with ’What’s up my’ would make it acceptable, and I apologize to anyone who I offended.  I’m not a racist.  I’ve slept with many, many black women.  I would marry Beyonce in an instant.  Rhianna too.  And Terrence Howard.  Oh wait…”

The basic gist of the article is, “al-Zawahiri calls Obama a house negro.  And it looks like he still wants to kill everybody, too.”  Maybe I’m nuts, but the latter seems more critical than the former.  I just can’t imagine that Obama heard al-Zawahiri’s recording and responded like, “What did that motherfucker just say?”

“He insinuated an escalation in violence if we increase the number of troops in Afghani–”

“No, no, no, before that.  The shit about me being a house negro.  Do my ears deceive or is he basically calling me a sell out?  Is he calling me an Uncle Tom?  Is Barack Obama gonna have to choke a bitch?”

“Uh… no sir, I doubt you’re gonna have to.  You can certainly choose to, though.  You are going to be President after all…”

“Right, right.  Thanks for the clarification, that’s why I keep you around Steve.  So, I guess this all boils down to America’s relationship with Al-Qaida remaining unchanged?”

“That’s pretty much it, sir.”

“Thought so.”

Latest Pointless Poll: Obama Edges McCain as Football Watching Buddy

No, really…

Now, I initially read this headline and thought, “What an idiotic poll.”  But then I thought, “well, maybe they’re trying to add a little bit of levity to this intensifying election, that’s okay.”

And then I came to this sentence in the article–

“Such views are significant because in many elections, candidates considered more likable often have an advantage.”

–and came right back to, “What an idiotic poll.”

First things first, I like Obama, but no way he’d be cool to watch football with.  McCain seems like he’d be the cool old dude with stories about watching Jim Brown and Johnny Unitas in their prime, and how tough the guys were in the days before facemasks and extra-pads and rules against a good clothesline-tackle.

Obama seems like the dude who would try to  eulogize every gotdamn play.

“And as we watched that forward pass from Tony Romo… the ball guided to its destination as though it understands and is obliged to follow the quarterback’s command… it finds a home in the waiting hands of Terrell Owens… a latter-day gladiator, graced with the swiftness of Hermes and the power of Heracles…”

“Damn, B, are you trying to say ‘Great pass, touchdown Cowboys?’  Because that’s what Al Michaels said, B.  And then he moved on to the extra point, the kickoff and the fumble that just happened.  Come on, B, keep up!  And put away that Caesar’s salad and grab a burger, we’re watching football!”

Maybe that’s an extreme, unfair assumption on my part.  I don’t know.  All I know is Obama hoops with his shirt tucked into his windpants while rocking what appear to be Asics cross-trainers…

Or are those the fake New Balance joints...?

…he can no longer be trusted to be cool about anything sports-related ever again.

More to the point, however, none of the above is in any way significant, because I’m not electing a guy to watch football with, and none of the people I do watch football with are going to run the country, thank God. 

I remember a similar, pointless poll coming up in the last election: something along the lines of “Who would you rather get a drink with?”  Who gives a shit?  I know people who are cool to get a drink with who I wouldn’t trust to go to the restaurant next to the bar and order hot wings without fucking the order up, much less be the leader of the free world.

If I step into a bar and the president’s there I’m going to panic my ass off.  “Mr. President, what are you doing here?  Who’s running the country?”

“Man, I just had to get away, get a few beers in me.  Russia keeps talking shit, China’s poisoning babies, there’s an asteroid the size of Mount Everest rocketing towards the planet…”

“There’s a what!?” 

“…and on top of all that there’s Canada just being all to the north of us and shit like they think they’re better than us…I swear I’m this close to smacking somebody in the mouth with a nuke.”

Thankfully, the above scenario will never take place because you’re never going to just happen upon the president chilling in a bar, watching Ohio State lose the BCS Championship for the 9th year in a row.  These types of questions should have zero significance.

Which candidate would you rather see be the gotdamn president?

Now that’s a significant poll question…