Monday Movie Whatnot: Twilight, Why Fanboys are Lame-tacular, and IMDB Quotes…

Welcome back to Monday Movie Whatnot here at The New Cool.  I’m your host, J.C., and I’ll be taking you through a brief tour of some movie stuff that I personally deem important enough to write about.  Starting with…

Twilight takes a massive “bite” out of the box-office…

Wow, I even put the quotes around my terrible pun – it’s like I’m a professional entertainment beat writer! 

But back to the lecture at hand, Twilight, the movie about the weird, allegedly handsome looking vampire dude and his enthralled teenage love interest, based on the mega-selling novel(s) by Stephanie Meyer, pulled in $70 mill over the weekend. 

To quote Krusty the Clown, “Holy shamola!  What’re you gonna do with all that kablingy?”

Why, green-light the sequel, of course. 

Which could lead to some interesting developments down the road.  I’ve never read the books in the series because I’m not a teenage girl and I prefer fictional vampires that are less broody / pure-souled and more murderous / psychopathic, but from my diligent, impeccable research I’ve gleaned that by book four there’s copious blood-vomiting, violent, furniture-breaking vampire sex (I’m sure the book calls it “lovemaking” or “intertwining of kindred souls” or some other crap, but dammit, if furniture’s being destroyed and bodies are being bruised then that’s fucking), and literal back-breaking labor.  That certainly seems to have all the necessary ingredients for an awesome vampire movie.  Hell, I didn’t even know some of these were ingredients – much less necessary ones – until just now finding out about them.

How was I ever before entertained by a vampire film that didn’t have fountain-of-blood vomiting and borderline bodice-ripper style sex? 

Makes you wonder how they’re going to make that work on-screen while still keeping the flicks PG-13 though.

Anyway, enough about Twilight.  No really, movie-fanboys everywhere…

Enough About Twilight…

…and Sex and the City, and High School Musical 3, and other movies that you have not seen and have no intention of seeing and are obviously not aimed at you.  This might come as a surprise to you, but there’s an entire world full of people who don’t fit your specific demographic.  I know that many of you have so little interaction with women that you may believe they are a myth (oh snap!) and therefore have zero chance of fathering children (daaaaaaaaaaaannnnnggg! *starts doing the wop*) so you think they too do not exist, but I assure you, you are mistaken.

It’s one thing to casually throw jabs at movies outside of your viewing preference, or to be upset about a shitty film series sullying the reputation of a genre you actually give a damn about, but you can go to post-forums and see cats ranting about High School Musical taking the top spot at the box office like Disney killed their father and should prepare to die.  Motherfucker, it’s not intended for you.  You might as well be in Toys R Us standing in the Barbie section talking about “These are the lamest action figures I’ve ever seen!  They don’t even come with guns, or tanks, or a scale model dancefloor that I can use to reenact prom night as it should have… er… I mean… um… a scale model… planet… monster… bot…”

These are the same types of dweebs who might get lucky enough to get a girl to come home with them only to be befuddled as to why she’s so apprehensive about seeing a poster of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre hanging above the sofa with mysterious stains all over the seat.  At least flip the cushions, gotdammit!

If you look up these kinds of movies (or 90% of the movies with a majority black cast… yeah, I said it) on IMDB you’ll see the rating grossly deflated because internet dweebs who shouldn’t care went out of their way to vote it down because they can’t stand the idea that there might be people out there who liked Twilight enough to rate the movie above a 6 out of 10. 

I wish there was some way to build a program that caused an android hand to reach out of your monitor and smack you for being stupid on the internet.  (Of course, somebody would find other, nefarious uses for such a program I’m sure… Rule 34 and all.  But I digress…)

Speaking of IMDB…

Something Has to Be Done About the Quotes…

…and several other things on the site as well, but baby steps, right?

Here’s an actual quote from the movie Closer as it appears on the Memorable Quotes section on IMDB…

Dan: You think love is simple. You think the heart is like a diagram.
Larry: Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood! Go fuck yourself! You writer! You liar!

Nothing wrong there.  That’s the actual exchange.  But then, right underneath that you have this…

Larry: A heart is a fist covered in blood!

Whoever typed this, wherever you are out there in internet-land: Fuck.  Your.  Life. 

This is just one example, but IMDB is full of this.  There might be two or three versions of the same quote on the same page.  They might as well make a game out of it: “Which Quote Isn’t Complete Bullshit Misremembered By Some Stupid Fan?” 

On top of this you get “From the trailer” quotes for shit that hasn’t even come out yet (does the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still really have “memorable” quotes already?  Really? ) and quotes that aren’t all that memorable after all (I love the movie Swingers, and it’s absolutely loaded with quotables: “Eat, eat, you fucking jackals!” though?  Not one of ‘em.  Not something anybody needs to be walking around quoting.  Even if you’re a zookeeper and it’s your job to feed the jackals daily, you still shouldn’t be saying that line.  If you ever did say that line to a bunch of jackals, I would hope that they’d surround you and do you in like Scar in The Lion King.  No, that’s not harsh, it’s what you deserve.)

Finally…

Just something I noticed the other day… the Hancock Unrated DVD cover (and matching poster plastered all over rental stores across America)…

I mean… the movie has one twist, you know?  It seems like you’d want to guard that plot point from people who haven’t seen the film yet, not smack them in the face with it like some awesome robot-monitor-arm that I’m about to invent…