That’s an absolutely terrible title, first of all. “Movie Whatnot?” That’s the best I’ve got? Jeez…
Anyhow, I’m going to seize Mondays as my opportunity to go over random, movie-related thoughts bouncing around in my skull. None of this is exactly “hot off the presses,” but it’s on my brain like Wu-Tang, so here’s the run down…
Star Trek Trailer: Holy Shit! (Or… Maybe Not…)
If you haven’t seen it yet, here it is. The big bad Star Trek trailer that was attached to Quantum of Solace. This is not a sequel, this is an official re-boot with all new actors, all new adventures, and all new nerdiness.
My first thought seeing this was “Wow, that actually looks kind of cool.” I’ve never really liked Star Trek. It always seemed like a series for dweebs. I mean, liking Star Wars is pretty nerdy, granted, but it has swordfights and telekinesis and space ninjas and shit. That made it cool to like when you were a kid, and then as you grew up, if you still liked, it was more about you hanging on to a shred of your youthful innocence as opposed to being a dork.
Conversely, I don’t remember a single cool kid from elementary school liking Star Trek. Everybody loved Star Wars, but if you liked Star Trek you weren’t getting asked out for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Don’t even bother showing up. Girls didn’t dance with Trekkies.
But this trailer, on first sight, looks sort of fresh. People are engaging in hand-to-hand combat, girls are taking their shirts off, there a space-battles and explosions… wait… actually, that’s not all that fresh. Damn it… after re-watching it just once more I realized that I was already off-board. Just like that. Not even Zoe Saldana looking scrum-diddly-umptious as Uhura can pull me in. I can’t even really put my finger on it, but something about Star Trek, no matter the incarnation, just strikes me as somewhat bland. The Enterprise is shaped awkward, the set looks too white, the uniforms look like onesies… Star Trek is like cheesy bread at the buffet line of a pizza place. If that’s ALL you’ve got then I suppose I’ll go for it, but if there’s a pepperoni or sausage joint anywhere in sight then why would I bother with this?
Plus, James Kirk has to have the most dweeb-tacular middle name any iconic hero has ever had. Tiberius? I know, it’s the name of a Roman emperor, it’s supposed to convey an air of some sort of authority. It doesn’t work. Ironically, it sounds like the name a Trekkie would give a an alien scientist supervillain in some lousy fanfic if not for the fact that it was already taken by their hero.
Tiberius. It sounds nerdier than Spock. Think about that…
Will Smith and Spielberg Considering Remake of Oldboy…
…all while my heart gently weeps.
Look, I like Will and Steven. They’re both great at what they do. But nothing in their exhibited repertoire gives any indication that they are the right fit for this material. In case you missed the picture in the above linked article, this is what the main character in Oldboy looks like…
And this is what Will Smith looks like…
Please note that any picture of Will Smith not smiling is photoshopped. Any scene from any film where he wasn’t happy and charming and looking like someone you’d love to invite to your Super Bowl party was done with extensive CGI.
Will is talented and cool, but he aint’ edgy. Oldboy, on the other hand, is beyond edgy. It’s kicking you in the face with knife-boots and then skating off into the night, laughing maniacally. Will has range, but can he do quiet, simmering madman? Can he convincingly beat down a freaking platoon of thugs with a Home Depot claw-hammer?
Likewise, Señor Spielbergo has never directed anything close to this before. There’s nothing cuddly or heartfelt or relatable about this movie. If there’s a one-word description for Oldboy it’s not “dark,” ”cruel,” “violent” or “nihilistic.” Any of that can be manufactured. Oldboy is simply relentless. It spares you nothing because it doesn’t know how. It doesn’t “cross the line”–it doesn’t even know what the hell a line is.
It exists in a world where lines don’t exist, Stephen! Where lines don’t exist! Can’t you see that? Don’t do it Stephen, you too Will. We all like you. You two stepping out of your element to do this movie is like the people in The Mist stepping out of the supermarket with rope tethered to their waists. It’s not impossible for you to make it, but there seems to be a good chance you could get eaten the fuck up…
Ridley Scott to Direct a Monopoly movie…
Yes, that Monopoly.
A lot of people are already skewering this as one of the worst film adaptation ideas ever. I’m inclined to agree, though I’m kind of hopeful for it. The board game already has elements of deceit, sabotage and ruthlessness–hell, you pretty much can’t win without exhibiting those three traits. A movie about warring land tycoons seems like it would just apply the logical story of warring land tycoons to the undefined framework that drives the game.
I’m hoping it’s a surprisingly brutal, dark-comedic thriller that sort of satirizes the idea of making a game out of driving competitors into bankruptcy and essentially ruining their lives. Then they could release a new board game based on the movie–Monopoly: Cutthroat Edition–with Chance cards like “Advance token to St. James Place. If owned, pay local police $200 to raid premises, plant incriminating evidence of a meth lab, seize property and then sell it back to you for cheap at a local auction. Pay addtional $100 to police to have current property owner shanked in jail.”
That’s the Monopoly game we’ve always wanted to play, isn’t it?
November 30, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Thank goodness Monday Movie Whatnot! otherwise some of the lesser informed movie-going public may be caught totally off guard with the infinite wisdom off studio execs. think Benicio could pull off Oldboy?