Breaking News: Brett Favre is NOT the Center of the Universe

After extensive research, scientists independent of the NFL, ESPN and Fox Sports have determined that Brett Favre is, in fact, not the center of the universe.

“He does appear to be the center of Green Bay, Wisconsin,” one scientist confirmed, “but our studies show that even with the copious attention that he draws, he is not the center of the universe.  Yet.”

According to the leader of the research team, their methods included conjuring the spirits of historical astronomers Copernicus and Galileo to corroborate their findings.  To the scientist’s surprise, the exorbitant coverage of Favre’s attempted un-retirement had apparently even reached into the afterlife.

“The first thing Copernicus told us was, ‘Of course he’s the center of the universe,’” the lead scientist said.  “We had to remind him of his own Heliocentric model of the solar system–flawed in its own right, but certainly better than the Favrecentric view we were trying to discredit.  Then Galileo said, ‘But, surely the gravitational pull of all those championship rings altered the structure of the cosmos.’  To which I said no, all one of his Super Bowl rings is actually pretty insignifcant on a cosmic scale.  He’s a great player and all, but when the media refers to him as a ’star’ they’re using the term figuratively.  Or at least, they’re supposed to.  Anyway, both astronomers seemed very surprised to find out that Brett only had one ring, as opposed to the dozens of Super Bowl rings, several World Series rings, two Stanley Cups and the Nobel Prize for Arm Strength that they’d been led to believe he had.”

When approached for comment, ESPN had this to say: “Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre BRETT FREAKING FAVRE!“

More on this story as details emerge.

Dear Eddie (An Open Letter From a Concerned Citizen)

Dear Eddie Murphy,

What the hell, man?  Meet Dave made $5.3 million in its opening weekend, or just a skosh over 10% of its production budget.  It’ll be lucky to crack the $15 million mark by the end of its run.  For most comedic actors this would be shaping up to be the most embarrassing box office flop of their careers, but you’ve already got Pluto Nash under your belt, a flick that cost brain-smelting $110 million to make and grossed $7 million theatrically (worldwide!) and $25 million when counting DVD sales & rentals.  A film that also featured you as a character from outer space, might I add.  You’d think you’d learn from that, but apparently you thought that was a fluke and that the movie going public was clamoring for a sci-fi based slapstick comedy.  Which brings me back to my original point…

What the hell, man?!!

Do you realize that in the last 10 years your funniest roles have been animated characters?  Donkey and Mushu, those are the top two highlights of your resume since 1998.  Donkey and Mushu.  Sounds like the title to a children’s book that a 5-year-old came up with.  To quote your character from Life (the 1 funny live-action movie you’ve done in the last decade), there are “consequences and repercussions” for picking terrible roles.  Holy Man, Bowfinger, Daddy Day Care.  There’s no way those scripts looked good Eddie. 

Your brother is funnier than you now Eddie.  It’s not even debatable.  Nobody even knew he existed 5 years ago, and now if you gave any grown man a choice between watching a movie starring Charlie Murphy or one starring Eddie Murphy, and provided no other information about the plot or supporting actors or anything, 8 out of 10 would pick the Charlie Murphy movie.  8 out of 10.  I can’t substantiate those numbers at all, but who would disagree?

You’re in Shawn and Marlon Wayans Territory now, Eddie.  Not approaching it, but in it, settling down and buying beachfront condos and running for public office and shit. 

Remember when you were one of the most popular comedians in the history of popular comedians?  When you single-handedly kept SNL watchable during some years so lean it made the Olsen twins look like actual human beings (as opposed to twin-Smeagols with wigs and makeup)?  Remember how hilarious Raw and Delirious managed to be despite the uncomfortable abundance of homophobia and misogyny and the oddly nostalgiac commentary on domestic violence? 

Remember Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie?  Hell, I’ll even give you part 2.  Of course there’s also 48 Hours, Trading Places, and Coming to America (where you perfected the multiple roles bit that you’ve since beaten to death, then killed yourself so you could follw it into the afterlife to continue the beating). 

Good movies, Eddie.  Remember making good movies?  Surely you care at least a little bit about your legacy.  You won a Golden Globe just two years ago for your role in Dreamgirls after all, and based on some reports you charged out of the Oscars like you were late for an appointment to kill somebody after losing the Best Supporting Actor award to Alan Alda.  So part of you obviously cares.

And yet, when I look at your upcoming films, I see two animated features (one of which comes in a movie series that already has one unnecessary sequel), a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie (even though you dissed part 3 yourself in your Inside the Actors Studio interview) and some new damn kids movie that has a plot similar enough to The Haunted Mansion that I can anticipate it being moderately lousy at best.

Eddie… heaven’s sake, man… I’m this close to scheduling an intervention.  I know that just about every comedian goes through the “I Get Older and My Movies Start to Suck” phase, but what you’re going through is epic.  Motherfucking The Iliad epic.  There’s one thing to go through a career slump, but it’s another to make a second career out of slumping itself. 

I need you to get on the phone with Judd Apatow, Eddie, before it’s too late.  Sure his sex-drugs-and-other-taboos-driven, crass-comedy-with-a-heart formula is gradually wearing thinner, but that’s what would make the partnership so good.  Let’s be real, you helped make some of that comedy acceptable in the mainstream in the first place.  Imagine this advertisement: “The makers of Knocked Up and Superbad bring you Eddie Murphy at his raw, delerious best!”  Think of the anticipation for that movie.  Just typing that sentence set my mind ablaze from all the potential hilarity.

Just consider it Eddie.  Please.  It’s for your own good.