Quick-Rant: Stop Asking if I Play Basketball…

I used to give people benefit of the doubt, but I have now reached the undeniable conclusion that asking some random tall person if they play basketball is almost always a stupid question.  Here is a short list of times when it’s okay to ask a tall dude if he plays basketball:

1. He’s an acquaintance (co-worker, friend of a friend, etc.) and you’re in a position where you’re trying to start a conversation any way you can just to break the awkward silence.

2. He’s an acquaintance and you want to recruit him for you city-league team, The Central Bank Swishers (he might agree, but you better believe he’ll demand you change the name).

3. He’s 6′8″ or taller and looks athletic and you have a good reason for asking (your kid’s with you and you want to get an autograph if the guy’s a pro, or your kid’s with you and you want to make the guy take a paternity test if he’s a pro).

4. He’s wearing a shirt that says “Ask Me If I Play Basketball” printed on the front, and “No, Seriously, Ask Me If I Play Basketball.  I’m Talking to You.  Don’t You Walk Away From Me Motherf– Man I Will Hunt You Down and Beat The Question Out of You If You Don’t Get Back Over Here and Ask Me if I Play Basketball,” printed on the back.

That’s it.  Under no other circumstances is it okay to ask this question of someone you barely know / don’t know at all.  None.  It’s a stupid, stupid question on multiple levels.  Allow me to assault you with the breakdown of why it’s really so stupid…

I’m Not That Damn Tall 

I’m 6′4″.  Yes, that’s tall in the real world, but not freakish-NBA-talent tall.  Tony Parker is officially listed at 6′2″, and he might be a bit taller.  I walked past him in North Star Mall once (he had his whole French crew with him, parlez-vous-ing francais and eating bon-bons and all that good stuff) and dude was eye-to-eye with me. 

In the Association, Tony is considered a “small” dude.  When you see him on TV you think “Look at that little French, flopping punk. I’d bodyslam him if I ever saw him.”  Then you see him in real life and realize he’s about five inches taller than you, and he’s built pretty solid from working out all damn year (because…you know… he’s a professional athlete) and truth told, if you two got in a fight, he would probably chest-kick you into the nearest bottomless pit right after yelling, “This.  Is.  PARKER!!!”

Recap: 6′2″ - 6′5″ is tall in the real world, but not especially tall in the pro-ball world.

At 6′6″ and up, you start getting into heights that are a little more common in the pro-ball world, but even then… Oh, you’re not asking if I’m a pro?  Just if I play?  Well that leads to…

Why the Hell Are You Asking Anyway?

The only reason to ask is if you’re curious to know if the dude’s a pro, or at least a player for a major local college (and the latter only applies if you’re curious to know if the dude might go pro, or if you thought you recognized him from an ESPN clip you caught the other day). 

Asking for any other reason makes even less sense than randomly asking any person 6′3″ and above if they just happen to be a professional, millionaire, celebrity athlete.  What, you’re asking if I play ball recreationally at gyms, or at parks, or with friends and family on the adjustable, portable goal at the end of the cul-de-sac?  The answer is yes, but there’s not really a height requirement for any of that.  There’s no “You Must Be This Tall to Hoop On This Court” when you step into Gold’s.  Where’s this conversation going?  Is there a point?

I’ve Heard it A Million Times

Some stuff, it’s probably cool to get asked all the time.  If you’re really good-looking and people stay asking, “Do you model?” I’m sure it doesn’t get old.

But the “Do you play basketball?” question has been old to me and any other tall person since high school.  People ask you this though like it’s something they’re sure no one else has ever brought up to you.  Like they’re presenting you with fucking career advice.

“So uh, do you play basketball?”

“No, actually, I don’t.”

“Really?  Well, you should.”

“You think so?”

“Hell yeah, man!  You’re a tall guy!  And… you’re… well, you’re tall!  I mean come on!“

“You’re right!  I am tall!  I’m gonna go buy some Nike Air Maxes and try out for the Lakers!  Thanks, total stranger!”

No.  No.  Go to hell, total stranger.  Burn forever in the pits of the inferno, total stranger. 

Fuck, off, total stranger.