Here I am, kicking off the New Cool by writing about what I know, which is a standard rule of writing. Being a black dude, I know a little bit about myself. Just a little bit. And I thought, for the benefit of the curious, I’d share a few things about black dudes that you may be unaware of.
We’re All Nerdier Than We Let On
Not tremendously nerdier, mind you, but enough that it warrants mentioning. Of course, if you ask one of us directly we’ll deny it. Vehemently. Then take it upon ourselves to do something decidedly un-nerdy on the spot – make out with your wife, throw back seven shots of vodka less than 30 seconds, dunk on you…whatever the situation calls for – just to prove that your wild accusation is laughably unfounded. You could arrest him on murder charges and have him facing 25-to-life and if his only alibi is that, during the time when the crime occurred, he was online editing the Wikipedia article on the Fermi paradox to correct numerous mistakes he spotted, well, you can count on him saying “What the hell, I did it,” sooner than confessing to the nerdy behavior.
But if you catch that black dude in a moment of extreme weakness – or in a momentary lapse of denial – he might confess to his favorite X-Men comic book storyline or how much he’s anticipating Starcraft II because he’s so damn good at the first one that it’s not even fun to him anymore.
And really, if you’ve been paying attention, this isn’t really surprising. How else does Chris Tucker go from the angry-ass brother we used to see on Def Comedy Jam…
…to giving us the most accurate portrayal of a Space-Liberace imaginable?
Moving on…
We Know Your “Other Black Friend” Didn’t Tell You That Joke First
I’m presuming black girls don’t go through this, because I’m presuming girls don’t sit around telling each other random jokes. That’s a dude thing.
And if there’s a black dude in a largely non-black dude crew, it’s a non-black dude thing to tell a racist joke prefaced with, “You can’t get mad because one of my other black friends told this to me first.” I’ll go ahead and say what we all already know: that motherfucker does not exist. His name might as well be Othello; he is not a real person. We have always known this and always have an initial desire to punch you in the mouth before the joke gets out, but decide against it because we’re a little bit curious about if the joke is going to be funny (you should just say, “Look, this joke is horribly racist, but it’s hilarious, so I must share it with everyone, including the one person who might try to rip my throat out for it.” We’ll be seriously interested in hearing it. It better be fucking hysterical though…), and because of one more thing I’d like to share…
We Don’t All Think That We Can Beat Everyone Up
In the Friday the 13th Movies, only two people have ever willingly engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Jason “I Shrug Off Bullets and Stabbings and Can Return From the Dead but You’re Going to Beat Me Up? Seriously? That’s Your Gameplan?” Voorhees. One was a fucking android.
The other was this dude.
This was part of an 80’s movie trend where the token black guy always thought he could beat up every non-black person in the world. Or every non-black person thought that the black guy could beat them up. Or both. Often times it needn’t even come to fisticuffs. In Back to the Future and Revenge of the Nerds the black guys just show up and look mean and the white dudes run away, even if they have superior numbers, or back off to let the nerds give a speech encouraging other people to admit their own feelings of social awkwardness in a moment of nerd unity – or “nerdity” (the black dudes notably abstaining from joining in).
Trust me, we’ve grown up on enough Kung-Fu movies to know that, if nothing else, anybody wearing a ghi can beat up anybody who isn’t wearing one, regardless of race. If we actually thought that we could beat everyone else up – and further, if other races actually thought it too – then you know, there wouldn’t be any of that police brutality, and the civil rights movement would’ve been a much easier and swifter transition without all of the brutality and lynch-mobs and name-calling. Apartheid would’ve never gotten off the ground in South Africa. In fact, we can safely assume that the whole slavery episode would’ve played out a bit differently…
“I said pick that cotton boy!”
“Boy? Who’re calling a boy? Motherfucker I will knock yo’ ass out just by thinking about it.”
“Okay, okay. My mistake. You know it’s hot out here, even under this parasol, and I guess that has me a little bit irritable but you’re right, my tone was uncalled for and my choice of words poor.”
“Unacceptable and disrespectful is what it was. I would telekinetically bludgeon you to death right now if… you know… if that wasnt’ something that only nerds could do. Or even know about. Which… means I don’t know about it. Obviously. Because I am definitely, definitely not a nerd. But that’s what you’re thinking isn’t it? That I’m some kind of a nerd? Is that it? You callin’ me a nerd, man ? You better not be callin’ me a nerd, man, because I will mind-whip- – “
“Woah-woah-woah, let’s just calm down. No need to get violent here. Let’s just call it a day already, get out of the sun, and I’ll have the Mrs. fix us up some lemonade and–”
“And some waffles, bitch! And a Caesar’s salad to start with!”
“… … … Sure, no problem. Have that out to you guys in a minute.”
